A life returned
Denise Smart courageously shares her journey through a lonely and dysfunctional childhood, broken relationships and controlling abuse to being rescued by God and given a place of peace she has never known before.
Born in 1950, I was institutionalised at 10 months of age with coeliac disease. I then contracted polio and spent the majority of my early childhood in Sydney Children’s Hospital. I saw my family for two hours every Sunday which resulted in me having no emotional connection to my mother. I never believed or felt that she loved me. Desperate to be loved and nurtured, I was sexually abused at three years old and a target for a paedophile (family friend) from 14-18 years of age.
Coping techniques
Growing up in Wollongong, a very motherly neighbour always included me when she took her four daughters to Sunday school. She was a pivotal and positive influence in my young life and I loved being with her family.
I gave my life to God when I was 15, during a youth camp, but the following 18 years were quite horrific. I did the best I could for Jesus on my own, but I was emotionally, sexually and socially dysfunctional, living out the lies I believed about myself. I couldn’t look in the mirror without disgust and loathing.
Power of motherhood
By 1983, I had given birth to three beautiful daughters. I clearly remember thinking that at last I had done something that society valued – I had become a mother.
After the marriage to my daughters’ father fell apart, I made a vow to God that I would give all of myself to him and solemnly covenanted with him that I would bring up my little cherubs to become beautiful, compassionate, kind, independent and strong women. The girls, now as young women, are all that I had envisioned them to be. God is faithful!
From 1983 to 2002 I was a single mum. During that time God continually had to rescue me from disastrous relationships and situations that I was powerless to avoid.
I spent four of those years in a fledgling Salvation Army corps at Tweed Heads. It was the first time in my life, at 42, that I was honest with myself, my leaders, my peers and with God. I diligently worked through the Twelve Steps program, taking ownership of my actions instead of blaming others.
Cult control
Returning to my initial pentecostal church I stepped into more leadership roles, including worship leader. Importantly, though, it was there that I met the man who, after seven years of being my best friend, became my second husband.
After some time we left this church and joined a smaller church that, one year later, traumatically split into two as a result of the breakup of the pastors’ marriage. We chose to follow the woman leader who quickly began showing strong, controlling, manipulative and cultish behaviour patterns.
At her instigation I left my husband, was ripped apart from my children and grandchildren, moved into a flat with her and became her personal assistant. After three years of this relentless, fear-based and controlling situation, I was unable to make a decision, have an opinion or contact my family without her agreement or initiative.
Through a complicated raft of circumstances, I found myself in Brisbane in August, 2012. I was an absolute “basket case” and very unwell.
Starting again
I was 62, alone, fearful, grieving deeply. In spite of that, over the next three months God returned my life to me – my daughters, grandsons, my ex-husband, my own little home and work. He restored my identity, gave me new friends and built a network of strong, stable professionals around me.
A Salvation Army chaplain visiting the Family Store where I was volunteering listened to my story and suggested I might fit in at Brisbane Streetlevel Mission. He was right! I had come home. God had led me back to The Salvation Army’s comforting ethics, safety, non-judgmental acceptance and love.
On 25 September 2014, I was enrolled as a soldier.
I don’t know my future, but God does. I am a work in progress, and so grateful to Brisbane Streetlevel, The Salvation Army and to God for who he is and all he has done for me.
This article first appeared in the March edition of Women in Touch.
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